I had the privilege of joining my ridiculously talented friend Janet on her Resilient People podcast this week. (For those who remember the last time we got together — in person, back when that was possible — she profiled The Tory Day Fund for her then-new site.) I’ve known Janet for 25 years, since we worked together at IBM, and it sadly had been a while since we spoke after her husband Adam died from glioblastoma earlier this year.
It felt good to catch up with a dear friend, to see how she and her kids are showing tremendous resilience themselves after their tragic loss, and to hear how well The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund is doing in the first few months after its launch.
It also felt good to talk about The Tory Day Fund again. I haven’t done that enough lately, and candidly it’s been a tough year for the Fund, just as it has for many non-profits.
A couple weeks ago I spoke with our friends at the Sunnybrook Foundation, who administer the dollars that fund the Patient Buddy program at Odette Cancer Centre, one of the amazing programs made possible because of our donors. They mentioned that because of the pandemic they’ve had to dramatically limit the number of visitors at the cancer centre — and that means the Patient Buddy program has been paused since March (and to make matters worse, it means most patients have to attend their treatments alone).
Even tougher, the event that drives most of our donations, Tory’s Night of Nonsense, can’t be hosted this year. This weekend, one week from the big night, would typically be spent nailing down the last-minute details of our epic silent auction, finalizing our incredible menu, and ordering the booze for our signature drink. All while unbuckling my belt to fit more turkey, gravy and potatoes during multiple Thanksgiving dinners with family. Maybe the biggest loss is not seeing the 150 or so who make the event a success every year — no music, no dancing, no hugs … although thankfully no hangover.
Talking with Janet about The Tory Day Fund stirred up some dormant emotions in me, to be honest. It’s been more than three years since we launched it, and in the early days I had lots of practice talking about the Fund’s origin, talking about Tory, those who made life bearable for Kate and me after Tory’s death, and then provided the fuel to launch the Fund a few months later.
This time, it was different.
This time, talking about the moment Tory told me about what she suspected was breast cancer … About when we learned it was more aggressive … About our first appointment at Sunnybrook … About the people who supported her in her final months … “Raw” is the best way to describe it.
Maybe “cathartic” too. Part of the reason we created the Fund, our web site and these posts is to ensure Tory and her journey to find comfort during her cancer treatment will live forever. And in not talking about it for the past few months part of me felt I wasn’t being true to her story. Speaking with Janet released some of that. For that I’m thankful.
And this weekend is a time to be extra thankful. Yes, 2020 has dealt us a big “eff you” in many ways. And while I’ve learned to never wish away time I can’t wait to turn the page on this year. It’s still a beautiful life, though, and the past three years have shown me why:
- We’ve raised almost $270,000 to provide comfort for cancer patients.
- We’ve funded the Patient Buddy program and beautiful chemotherapy chairs at Odette Cancer Centre, children’s programs at Hearth Place … and more programs to come to continue Tory’s legacy.
- Personally I’ve made and rekindled some of the best friendships I could ask for.
- Kate is thriving once again despite incredibly difficult circumstances.
- And one of those rekindled friendships turned into something much, much more — I got married this summer.
Near the end of the podcast, Janet asked me where I got my resilience from. You’ll need to listen to the podcast to hear the full answer (on Apple and Spotify), but the question made me pause for a bit. I never considered myself resilient — it just wasn’t a term we used growing up. It’s a question all of us should answer, though. We all have it in us.
For me, it’s two women with super powers: my mom and my daughter. One gave me a foundation of just enough bad-ass to not let small stuff get in my way (and life is all small stuff), and the other gives me a reason to be the best version of myself every day.
So I’ll spend this Thanksgiving being thankful for both of them. And instead of thinking too much about what we can’t do this year to support The Tory Day Fund, I’ll be thankful for what we have done to honour Tory.
Happy Thanksgiving.
J.
P.S. If you’re able to, you can make a donation to The Tory Day Fund here and The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund here. Even $1 makes a difference. Thank you!