Folks, I’m thrilled to announce the launch of The Tory Day Fund, a charity to improve the comfort of cancer patients.
Actually, thrilled is a tough word to use. This fund exists only because of the heartbreaking loss of an extraordinary mother, friend, sister, daughter, aunt and my wife, Tory Butler. It’s been just three months since we lost her to breast cancer and typing these words still feels surreal.
Tor
y’s death could’ve gutted a close circle of family and friends, just as cancer does each day to countless others. I’ve talked to people whose lives have been impacted by similar loss, and they describe the days, months and sometimes years after as horrible. And no doubt, we’ve had horrible days.
But it hasn’t gutted us. We’ve celebrated Tory’s life, we’ve laughed at the ridiculous stories of her 50 years, and we’ve toasted the beautiful person we knew.
And in many ways it’s actually made us stronger. Tory’s family and friends have rallied to support our daughter Kate, her greatest legacy. And they’ve rallied to ensure her other legacy – the comfort Tory brought to those around her – endures.
The goal of The Tory Day Fund is to bring comfort – any comfort, really – to those undergoing cancer treatment. Despite the efforts of a world-class treatment facility like the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook Hospital, Tory experienced firsthand just how rare comfort is when undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatment.
What’s comfort in cancer care?
- Comfort is having a bed available for you on the days you’re feeling weak and unable to sit in the usual chemo chair.
- Comfort is having a buddy to teach you the tips and tricks of navigating a complex treatment centre.
- Comfort is having a volunteer named Greg offer you mushroom soup every chemotherapy day.
- Comfort is having a wig donated to you so you don’t lose your self when you lose your hair.
- Comfort is having a week at a cottage donated so you can recharge with family and friends during a time you feel empty.
Comfort is a bunch of seemingly little things, but things that add up to something much bigger.
So today is day one for The Tory Day Fund, and we won’t stop until we’ve exceeded our fundraising goal of $50,000 to improve the comfort of cancer patients.
It’s a big, audacious goal for a bunch of friends and family of a girl from The ‘Shwa. But we are thrilled to make it happen.
Yeah, maybe thrilled isn’t such a tough word to use after all.
Who’s in?
I had the privilege of joining my ridiculously talented friend Janet on her Resilient People podcast this week. (For those who remember the last time we got together — in person, back when that was possible — she profiled The Tory Day Fund for her then-new site.) I’ve known Janet for 25 years, since we worked together at IBM, and it sadly had been a while since we spoke after her husband Adam died from glioblastoma earlier this year.
It felt good to catch up with a dear friend, to see how she and her kids are showing tremendous resilience themselves after their tragic loss, and to hear how well The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund is doing in the first few months after its launch.
It also felt good to talk about The Tory Day Fund again. I haven’t done that enough lately, and candidly it’s been a tough year for the Fund, just as it has for many non-profits.
A couple weeks ago I spoke with our friends at the Sunnybrook Foundation, who administer the dollars that fund the Patient Buddy program at Odette Cancer Centre, one of the amazing programs made possible because of our donors. They mentioned that because of the pandemic they’ve had to dramatically limit the number of visitors at the cancer centre — and that means the Patient Buddy program has been paused since March (and to make matters worse, it means most patients have to attend their treatments alone).
Even tougher, the event that drives most of our donations, Tory’s Night of Nonsense, can’t be hosted this year. This weekend, one week from the big night, would typically be spent nailing down the last-minute details of our epic silent auction, finalizing our incredible menu, and ordering the booze for our signature drink. All while unbuckling my belt to fit more turkey, gravy and potatoes during multiple Thanksgiving dinners with family. Maybe the biggest loss is not seeing the 150 or so who make the event a success every year — no music, no dancing, no hugs … although thankfully no hangover.
Talking with Janet about The Tory Day Fund stirred up some dormant emotions in me, to be honest. It’s been more than three years since we launched it, and in the early days I had lots of practice talking about the Fund’s origin, talking about Tory, those who made life bearable for Kate and me after Tory’s death, and then provided the fuel to launch the Fund a few months later.
This time, it was different.
This time, talking about the moment Tory told me about what she suspected was breast cancer … About when we learned it was more aggressive … About our first appointment at Sunnybrook … About the people who supported her in her final months … “Raw” is the best way to describe it.
Maybe “cathartic” too. Part of the reason we created the Fund, our web site and these posts is to ensure Tory and her journey to find comfort during her cancer treatment will live forever. And in not talking about it for the past few months part of me felt I wasn’t being true to her story. Speaking with Janet released some of that. For that I’m thankful.
And this weekend is a time to be extra thankful. Yes, 2020 has dealt us a big “eff you” in many ways. And while I’ve learned to never wish away time I can’t wait to turn the page on this year. It’s still a beautiful life, though, and the past three years have shown me why:
- We’ve raised almost $270,000 to provide comfort for cancer patients.
- We’ve funded the Patient Buddy program and beautiful chemotherapy chairs at Odette Cancer Centre, children’s programs at Hearth Place … and more programs to come to continue Tory’s legacy.
- Personally I’ve made and rekindled some of the best friendships I could ask for.
- Kate is thriving once again despite incredibly difficult circumstances.
- And one of those rekindled friendships turned into something much, much more — I got married this summer.
Near the end of the podcast, Janet asked me where I got my resilience from. You’ll need to listen to the podcast to hear the full answer (on Apple and Spotify), but the question made me pause for a bit. I never considered myself resilient — it just wasn’t a term we used growing up. It’s a question all of us should answer, though. We all have it in us.
For me, it’s two women with super powers: my mom and my daughter. One gave me a foundation of just enough bad-ass to not let small stuff get in my way (and life is all small stuff), and the other gives me a reason to be the best version of myself every day.
So I’ll spend this Thanksgiving being thankful for both of them. And instead of thinking too much about what we can’t do this year to support The Tory Day Fund, I’ll be thankful for what we have done to honour Tory.
Happy Thanksgiving.
J.
P.S. If you’re able to, you can make a donation to The Tory Day Fund here and The Adam Fanaki Brain Fund here. Even $1 makes a difference. Thank you!
Hi again and happy new year! I’m back with another update on the progress we made in the past year to improve the comfort of cancer patients … And — cue the drum roll — it’s been another stellar year for The Tory Day Fund.
You likely know by now that when we started the fund (a bunch of us gathered around the living room almost three years ago and just a few months after Tory’s death) we had a pretty modest goal: raise enough money to buy a bed at the Odette Cancer Centre so more people could rest comfortably while receiving chemotherapy.
And in that first year we were successful beyond our wildest expectations. Because of the generosity of Team Tory we raised more than $128,000 and were able to purchase not one, but SIXTEEN state-of-the-art chairs. We also funded a Patient Buddy Service to make the first visits of cancer patients at Odette a little less stressful.
In 2018? We picked up right where we left off. Year 2 is always the toughest year for any charity – the emotion wears off, other charities pull at the heartstrings and wallets of donors – but we persevered, raising almost $75,000! With that we brought our funds closer to home and filled a gap that Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre in Oshawa had with its children’s programs. Those programs are now funded so kids impacted by cancer have a place to get the support they need. It’s exactly what Tory would want us to do, without a doubt.
And that brings us to 2019, the third year for The Tory Day Fund. About that drum roll…
I’m thrilled to tell you, Team Tory, we raised $65,843.40!
- We did it because you continued to support Tory’s Night of Nonsense, and an incredibly generous group of people bought tickets, donated prizes, and made it yet another unforgettable night.
- We did it because so many made a personal donation to the fund – and some of you even make a monthly donation.
- We did it because Tory’s colleagues at IBM Canada continue to make The Tory Day Fund the beneficiary of their annual Employee Charitable Fund campaign.
- We did it because organizations like Sklar Peppler, La-Z-Boy, the Canadian Progress Club, organizers of the Merry Market at Winchester Golf Club, an auction organized by Sarah Lambert Photography, and even Tory’s nieces and nephew selling painted rocks at the cottage – all raised money to fulfill Tory’s wish.
After three years, we’ve raised a total of $267,600.50! Amazing. More than a quarter of a million dollars and way, way, way beyond our most ridiculous dreams. It truly gets me choked up thinking how you all made it happen.
With those funds, we’ll continue to buy more chairs as Odette needs them… We’ll continue to fund the Patient Buddy Service… We’ll continue to ensure kids at Hearth Place get the support they need and deserve.
And we’ll look for other ways we can make Tory’s wish come true. One area we’d love to fund – a way for more cancer patients to receive wigs like Tory had that preserve their dignity and give them the superpowers needed during treatment. Know of an organization that can make this happen? Please let me know!
So what else is in store for 2020?
This much I know: we’ll continue Tory’s wish however we can, and look for new ways to continue fundraising. For example we’re looking at partnering with a company that takes donated mobile phones and refurbishes them, and then sends the proceeds to The Tory Day Fund. This would give us a way to fundraise on an ongoing basis, rather than just with events like Tory’s Night of Nonsense. Stay tuned.
And coming up in the next couple months is a profile of The Tory Day Fund in The Globe and Mail! The Sunnybrook Foundation asked us to participate in a feature they’re producing with the paper, and we’re honoured to have Tory’s story read by its million-plus readers. I read an early draft of the article and it perfectly captures Tory’s spirit. I can’t wait for you to read it.
Other than that, I honestly don’t know what’s coming up. One of the most exciting parts of The Tory Day Fund is how creative Team Tory is, and opportunities to fundraise happen at a moment’s notice. I expect that 2020 will be no different.
Know that when they do, you’ll be the first to know.
And with that I thank you for making The Tory Day Fund happen for three incredible years. I’m blessed to have you in my life, I can’t thank you enough for the sense of purpose you’ve given me, Kate and Tory’s friends and family. I wish you only happiness and good health this year and always.
Jason.
I was visiting my Mom a couple weeks ago in the hospital, after she was admitted to deal with a complication from a recurrence of cancer. (She was diagnosed a month or so before Tory was in 2016.) She asked as she always did about the latest news about The Tory Day Fund, and I told her about all the great things we’re doing at Hearth Place and Sunnybrook, plus our plans for Tory’s Night of Nonsense.
“I still need to buy my tickets,” she said. She’s been among the first ticket buyers for each of the first two Nights of Nonsense.
“Mom, you focus on getting better. I know you’ll be there.”
I knew I’d see her walking in to Winchester this October as she has before with a big smile on her face, with one eye on me and the other on the bar. She’d look beautiful as always, and give me a big hug and tell me how proud she was of me and the team who make The Tory Day Fund happen.
She’d eat, have a few drinks, then hit the dance floor – showing her moves, along with my sister Lisa and anybody else she could cajole.
My mom left the hospital a few days after my visit and felt relief from this damn disease for a couple days after that. But then her pain and discomfort returned, and she was re-admitted to Woodstock Hospital.
Five days later she was gone. My beautiful, courageous, funny, kind, thoughtful, smart, giving Mom died on August 3.
I’ll save the tribute for another day. For now let me just say this:
I know my Mom isn’t the only person to die of cancer this year. Or even on that one day. It’s an insidious, merciless disease and you’ve all likely lost a loved one to cancer since Tory’s Night of Nonsense last year. And if you did, I’m sorry.
What you know then is how cancer rips even the tiniest amount of comfort away from those battling it. Try as we might to get warm blankets, a cup of tea, give a back rub – cancer fights against each of those efforts mightily.
That’s what kept my mom coming back each year to Tory’s Night of Nonsense. She knew firsthand how she and Tory had been denied the comforts they desperately needed, and the impact The Tory Day Fund has on cancer patients at Odette Cancer Centre and Hearth Place.
So if I can – I’ll ask that you buy your ticket for this year’s event for Tory. She’s the reason for the event, and the driving force behind all the goodness we’ve delivered. But also think of my mom, and how she fought like a girl throughout her battle with cancer.
And think of the others we’ve lost. It’s because of them, and the thousands of other cancer patients in Ontario, that we continue our fight to improve their comfort.
Thanks as always.
J.
xoxo
P.S. We’re adding an Early Bird Draw this year! Everyone buying a ticket by August 31 will be entered into a draw to win a fabulous prize.
Happy Tory Day, friends. Today we kick off the third year of our fund to provide more comfort to cancer patients, on Tory’s birthday.
If there’s one thing – one trait, one part of her personality — that defined Tory (and that’s awfully hard to do) it’s her love of kids. Of course, the best part of her life was Kate. She loved her more than life itself, no question. And Tory formed an exceptional bond with the kids of her friends and of course nieces and nephews.
It wouldn’t be Christmas if Tory wasn’t planning out the treat table (one rule: kids can eat whatever they want, whenever they want). Or planning a play date with Kate’s friends. Or baking a coffee cake because she knew it was Maya’s favourite.
Kids delivered joy to Tory’s life, plain and simple. They were the greatest gift for her.
That’s what makes today’s announcement so special. In the less than two years since we started The Tory Day Fund, we’ve delivered two major initiatives to improve the comfort of cancer patients. First, the Patient Buddy program at Odette to reduce the overwhelming stress that patients feel on their first day of treatment. Then the purchase of 16 state-of-the-art chemotherapy chairs so more patients can rest comfortably as Tory desperately wanted in the latter part of her treatment.
Today, we’re announcing that The Tory Day Fund is providing $50,000 to Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre in Oshawa to fund its children’s programs for the next two years.
Let me tell you about Hearth Place – a place I hope you never have to visit but if you do you’ll thank God it exists.
In the Durham community for more than 20 years, Hearth Place is a support centre where cancer patients and their families can come and share their experiences, find resources and discover new ways to care for themselves and each other.
Walk in the door and you get an overwhelming feeling of comfort. Maybe because of the home-life surroundings. Or the staff, who ooze warmth. Or because you’re surrounded by people dealing with one of life’s greatest obstacles but who find it in their heart to supporting others in their journey too.
The Tory Day Fund is supporting Hearth Place’s Pediatric Cancer Family Support Program and its children’s programs, which combined give both young patients and kids with family members affected by cancer the support they need when they need it most. They run programs like:
- Monkey in My Chair – a stuffed monkey sits in the place of a child at school who’s receiving cancer treatment as a reminder to fellow students, who can then fill the monkey’s backpack with notes of encouragement
- A puppet program where life-size puppets teach the virtues of courage, compassion, respect, kindness and helpfulness by discussing the challenges faced by puppets who are coping with a cancer diagnosis and the side-effects of their treatment
- Art, music, play therapy to promote, maintain, and restore mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health
- And many more
Hearth Place since the moment we were introduced seemed like a perfect fit for The Tory Day Fund’s donation. They exist to improve the comfort of cancer patients and their loved ones. It’s run by a large team of volunteers with very few paid staff. They receive no government funding and are very careful to ensure nearly all funding goes to patient programs. It’s in Oshawa, in the community where Tory and her family grew up.
And as it turns out, Hearth Place recently lost the major fundraising program for its children’s programs. Now programs for children diagnosed with cancer, their loved ones, and children dealing with a loved one’s cancer will now be funded for the next two years. Thanks to Team Tory. Thanks to you.
You are what makes The Tory Day Fund what is. In two years you’ve helped us raise more than $200,000 – ten times our original goal – to make Tory’s wish come true. And in the process improve the comfort of literally thousands of cancer patients.
As we kick off the third year of The Tory Day Fund, we ask you to do it again. Millions of Canadians are affected by cancer each year. And while the majority of funds go to finding a cure or better treatment – as they should – we need to ensure that in the meantime patients can find comfort from this merciless disease.
If you can, please:
- Donate today
- Buy a ticket for Tory’s Night of Nonsense on October 19 (tickets are now available!)
- Host a Tory’s Table
- Or organize an event or activity to raise funds (like the photography exhibit on May 29 at Town Brewery where artists are donating their sales to The Tory Day Fund – amazing!)
Thank you.
As for Kate and me, we’ll celebrate Tory’s birthday with a family BBQ, surrounded by nieces and nephews of course. Better get the treat table ready.
Happy Tory Day.
Happy New Year, Team Tory! It’s been a while since I updated you and I hope that’s OK. If I’m being honest I needed a bit of a break after our incredibly successful 2018 campaign. Now that it’s a new year and with the holidays behind us, I’m (mostly) recharged.
So here’s an update on our progress to-date, and since I always want to be transparent about the money we raise and spend on Tory’s behalf, I’ll warn you that there are lots of numbers here – so grab a coffee and hang in there.
When we met with the Odette Cancer Centre and Sunnybrook Foundation around this time last year to check in on the Patient Buddy Program we were high on the success of our 2017 fundraising campaign, which kicked off just three months after Tory died and raised $69,218 for programs that improve the comfort of cancer patients. (A donation matching program increased that total to $128,428.)
And when we started talking about 2018, they were very direct with some sobering insight: most charities see a big drop in donations from Year 1 to Year 2. The emotion is less raw, enthusiasm wanes, etc. We faced tough odds to repeat the success of our inaugural campaign.
Which makes it even more amazing to announce that The Tory Day Fund actually increased our fundraising total in 2018 – we raised $73,874!
How did we do it?
- Knowing that individual donations would be down – we looked for new sources of funding and introduced Tory’s Table, which raised $6,705.
- We received donations from IBM Canada that totaled $12,214.
- Team Tory’s fundraising efforts – everything from a PureTouch Soccer fundraiser to Deuce Tattoo’s donation to Tory’s nieces and nephews selling painted rocks at the cottage – all contributed in a big way: a total of $8,640.
- Individual donations, while down from the previous year, still totaled $15,885.
- And of course, our signature event, Tory’s Night of Nonsense, raised a record $30,410.
Simply incredible. $73,874 raised. Tory would be so proud of us.
Now comes the most important part: making sure every dollar donated gets to programs that give cancer patients a little comfort when they desperately need it. And by that measure 2018 was an incredible year (and spoiler alert: 2019 will be even better).
- The first program we funded was the Patient Buddy Program at Odette Cancer Centre, the first of its kind, and one that literally would not exist without The Tory Day Fund. In its first year, the program saw 9 volunteers become “Buddies” to welcome patients to the centre and ensure they had someone to help them navigate what would otherwise be an incredibly stressful visit. In total, Patient Buddies interacted with 2,274 patients last year. That program cost $21,500 to run last year, mostly in staffing costs and patient education materials, and will increase to almost $29K in 2019.
- Next, we funded the purchase of 8 state-of-the-art chairs for the chemotherapy suite at Odette Cancer Centre, replacing the old, grey, uncomfortable chairs patients like Tory had been sitting in for years. And best news of all, Odette was able to acquire them at half the original cost – so we ended up purchasing 8 more chairs for a total of 16! The new set of 8 should be delivered in the next month, and they too will be in the beautiful, vibrant colours of the first order. The total cost for the16 chairs is $44,400.
So after an incredible fundraising campaign we found ourselves late last year with a significant amount of money left to invest in cancer comfort programs, and wanted to bring the dollars a little closer to home in 2019. In addition to continuing funding of the Patient Buddy Program:
- We’ve started discussions with the S. McLaughlin Durham Regional Cancer Centre at Lakeridge Health in Oshawa to see what programs of theirs require funding.
- We’re meeting next with
Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre, which provides comfort to cancer patients in a home-like atmosphere. Given the focus of The Tory Day Fund and Hearth Place’s mandate, it seems like a natural fit for our funds.
We’ll of course keep you updated, and I hope you agree that both of these would be a really great way to extend Tory’s legacy – especially in the city she and her brothers were born and raised in.
OK, because it’s the new year and time for reflection and renewal and all the other themes you read on Instagram this time of year, let me leave you with this thought if I can, and relay a quick story.
When Tory found herself in a bit of career transition a few year ago, moving between IBM Canada and Lenovo and then back to IBM, she had to make a decision to cut ties – to quit. And those who knew Tory know she was many things but a quitter wasn’t one of them. (In fact, she loved to remind me how she drove b
ack and forth from Oshawa to The Keg near the airport for more than a year because she didn’t want to bring herself to quit a job she loved.)
We were on vacation in Sarasota and the deadline by which Tory had to give notice to leave Lenovo was here. We went out for dinner, talked it out over a glass or two of wine – when most good decisions are made – and waited in the parking lot to send the email confirming her intention to quit.
Before she did, Tory changed the subject line to the HR person. She typed four simple letters, “YOLO” – You Only Live Once – and hit send.
Tory knew that every day was a gift. She knew that her job didn’t define her. She knew the most important things in her life were just as they always were: her friends and her family. She knew that a minor blip in her career wouldn’t change any of that, and she never regretted her decision for a second.
There’s a lesson in that for you and me. It’s not to live each day like it’s your last – that’s mostly a cliché. To me the lesson is to be thankful every day of your life, and to be your best self.
So that’s what I wish for you. Don’t worry needlessly. Be kind to both loved ones and strangers. Prioritize your friends and family. Give generously – just like you did in 2018 with The Tory Day Fund. Show gratitude. And be the best version of you that’s ever been.
You only live once. Have a great year.
J.
P.S. Circle Saturday, October 12, on your calendar – that’s the date of our Third Annual Tory’s Night of Nonsense. I can’t wait to see you there and celebrate another successful campaign.
I’ll just say this: last night was extraordinary. Hands down, one of the best times of my life. I felt so much love in the chemo suites of the Odette Centre seeing the result of our work that it was almost overwhelming. The chairs are f*cking beautiful and exactly what Tory would’ve wanted.
If I’m honest though I barely slept when I got home. As proud as I am of our accomplishment, seeing those beautiful eight new chemotherapy chairs and hearing the feedback from patients and nurses about how comfortable they are, the thing I became restless about was the other 24 chairs in the suites that are old, grey and uncomfortable.We need to fix that.
There are exactly 50 days until Tory’s Night of Nonsense and $50K buys another eight chairs. Thatmeans half the chairs – 16 of 32 — would be Pure Tory. And more patients would get the absolute comfort these chairs provide while they receive chemotherapy treatment.
How can you help? Easy: Buy your tickets to Tory’s Night of Nonsense today – all proceeds from the event do directly to The Tory Day Fund.
Of course, if you’d like to donate directly to the Fund, that’d be cool too 😉 Either way, you’ll know that your donation is making a difference in the lives of many, and helping us deliver on Tory’s wish in a way bigger than she ever imagined.
Let’s keep providing comfort. First though, a nap.
THANK YOU!
This Wednesday, August 22, is a day of celebration, #TeamTory. It’s the day we finally get to deliver on a goal of Tory’s as she fought her battle with cancer.Weakened by the disease and by many rounds of treatment, Tory needed rest during chemotherapy. We arranged for her to receive it in a private room and while lying on a bed – rather than in a traditional chair — giving her the opportunity to relax and to sleep when she needed it.
The experience was a game-changer. Tory vowed, to me and in a text her girlfriend Deb, that we’d fundraise once she got better so Sunnybrook could provide more beds to patients and they could feel the comfort she did. One bed – that was her wish.
This week we get to fulfill that wish. But not with one bed. With eight. EIGHT!!
Because of the success of The Tory Day Fund, we’re able to make life for patients fighting this merciless disease a little more comfortable. Rather than sitting in uncomfortable gray chairs, patients at the Odette Centre at Sunnybrook will rest in brightly coloured, state-of-the-art chairs that can fully recline.
There’s a scene in the documentary Long Time Running, which chronicles the farewell tour of the Tragically Hip, that I love. It’s with Gord Downie and he explains why he
chooses to greet his friends, family, bandmates and others with a kiss on the lips. He also explains why he tells people “I love you” more than ever. He told it to Bobby Orr, a hero of his, while they were speaking on the phone. There was a long, awkward pause after he said it. Gord then smiles at the camera and says he likes to think he heard Bobby say it back.
I think of that scene a lot when I’m asked how I made it through the year-plus since Tory died. No, I haven’t made kissing people on the lips a habit (maybe after a couple drinks). But I have made a conscious effort of telling people I love them.
Maybe effort is the wrong word to use. Truth is there are a lot of people to love, and a lot of reasons to love them – so it hasn’t been any effort at all.
Starting this Wednesday I have eight more reasons to love the people around me. It’s because of you, your generosity and your love that we get to celebrate. You donated, you bought tickets to Tory’s Night of Nonsense, and you found ways to give even more.
So on Wednesday when we finally get to see the eight new chairs we funded, I’ll think a lot about Tory and my love for her. I’ll think about her desire to see more patients find comfort. And I’ll think of you, and thank you for making the day a highlight of my life.
Have a great weekend.
J.
xo
P.S. We’re less than two months away from this year’s Tory’s Night of Nonsense, the fundraising event that caps our 2018 campaign. I’d love to see you there – so buy your tickets today, if you can. Thanks.
I’m kicking myself for posting this on Mother’s Day. Like Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the only day you demonstrate love, neither should today be the only day you appreciate the moms in your life. But here goes anyway…
Mother’s Day was (%$^@ I hate using the past tense) without a doubt Tory’s favourite day of the year.
I should clarify. Mother’s Day became Tory’s favourite day of the year once Kate was born. Before that for her, as many people experience after losing their mom, it was a difficult day to get through. Avoiding the greeting-card aisle throughout April and May. Cursing the endless Mother’s Day retail promotions.
But in 2004 Mother’s Day turned into a day of celebration for Tory. We brunched at Sassafraz, a barely-three-month-old Kate bundled up, sleeping, while we drank wine and Tory ate eggs benedict, her fav. Then drank
more wine.
Each of the next 12 Mother’s Days were spent much the same way, sometimes with Tory and Kate sporting matching dresses. I swear her cheeks hurt at the end of the day from smiling so much, and she beamed with every compliment she or Kate received.
For me, as it does with many, Mother’s Day with my own mom took a back seat once Kate was born. I don’t remember spending the day with her since then — I’d see her the day before or send a card and call.
And that’s a mom’s life, isn’t it? They invest decades into ensuring your health, happiness and security … and then like that they fade into the background to watch you do the same for your own children. More than that, they often get the blame for our own shortcomings. “My mom didn’t hug me / make my lunch / like my friends” or “I wish my mom was more nurturing / supportive / like Jimmy’s mom”.
But at some point in our lives – and the sooner the better – we realize that our moms did the best they could, and that they’re human. Not perfect, but flawed in the same way we all are.
My mom taught me things that continue to guide each day of my life. Like “don’t sweat the small stuff,” finding a balance between confidence and humility, and having compassion for others.
Kate will grow up, of course with the pain of losing her mom so early, but of also the joyful memories of their time together. I can remember exactly twice when Tory raised her voice at Kate, and even those we now laugh about (“Hey Kate, remember when you quit choir and didn’t tell us until the night before the show?” and “Are you mad, Kate? Are you going to bite Gabby again?”).
Much of how Kate and I have spent the past year is enabling her to have a positive experience on days like this. Not to dread it, but to celebrate it. We spent Mother’s Day last year with Tory’s girlfriends, eating fried-chicken sandwiches and ice cream, and shopping. This weekend Kate is volunteering at a Mother’s Day Marketplace, which is promoting woman-run businesses, selling the kind of stuff her mom adored, and raising money for The Tory Day Fund. And on Sunday she wants to spend a “girls’ day” with me. So you’ll find us at Sephora and eating something sugary. No matching dresses, though.
And then later in the day we’ll break with tradition — we’re meeting my sister and mom for dinner on the big day. I’ll raise a glass and toast them, and all the mothers in our lives, past and present.
Speaking of that … In March, we turned the
anniversary of the day Tory died into another celebration, this time shopping with family and friends for Kate’s grade 8 grad dress. We had a super-helpful salesperson who found the perfect outfit. And while she did, she answered questions from a half-dozen women who fawned over Kate.
The whole experience filled me with love for these extraordinary ladies, and it also made me laugh. I could almost feel the salesperson trying to figure out who Kate’s mom was. And when I leaned over to tell one of them what I was thinking, her answer was perfect:
“We all are.”
It makes me think of another nugget my mom gave me many years ago, introducing me to this quote, which has stuck with me for the decades since:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
Nothing I can do will bring Tory back. I accept that. But what I can and will change – because of my mom and with the help of loved ones like you who fill our days – is that Mother’s Day will always be a day of celebration.
Happy Mother’s Day. Make it a Tory Day.
J.
The feeling of joy, I think, is one of the most incredible emotions we as human beings can feel. How do you describe it? I don’t know – it’s personal for everyone. For me it’s sitting around with friends and family, sharing stories, laughing my ass off and at that moment not having a care in the world. Or it’s getting lost in a song that takes me back to a sweet memory of when I was younger.
After Tory died I never expected to feel joy again. The weight of loss and the burden on Kate felt too big to carry … How could I ever feel carefree with so many worries about her future?
Sometime around when this picture was taken I started to feel it again. With Kate and her best friend Julia up at the lake it was just three of us. While I drank a beer and read on the deck, I heard the two of them by the dock, laughing and then singing with zero cares in the world … and it occurred to me they were feeling it – joy. And I learned that day that joy is contagious – I couldn’t help but feel it because it meant Kate was doing fine. Better than doing fine, really. She was thriving.
Joy hadn’t returned fully for me, but from that day forward it started to pay regular visits. I found myself laughing more, allowing myself to relax and giving in to the moment. I started feeling … joyful. Not full of joy, but joyful.
And of course, when Joy comes in these circumstances her little brother Guilt tags along. “How dare you feel this way? Tory will never feel joy again”, he mutters. And he’s right, and completely wrong at the same time. She won’t feel joy, but I know for a fact – because of her family, friends and colleagues, and because of Kate – she felt it nearly every day of her life. And now that she’s gone, Kate and I have no choice but to regain the joy we had and live our lives in the best way we can.
As you’re reading this, Kate and I are celebrating Christmas with Tory’s family on a ski vacation. Tory always wanted us to go to Vail and we never did. So we’re doing what she can’t and we’re creating new memories together … and you can be sure I’ll feel joy once again with these brothers, sisters nieces and nephews of mine that I love so dearly.
And when we get back, we’ll experience more joy because we’ll see the beauty of The Tory Day Fund come to life.
We get to visit the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook and meet Bill, one of the “buddies” from the Patient Buddy Service we launched because of Tory and because of more than 200 donors to the fund this year.
We’ll see new chemotherapy patients visiting Odette for the first time and rather than wandering around the centre feeling unnecessary discomfort as they struggle to find their way, they’ll be greeted by volunteers like Bill who will see them to their first appointment, answer their questions, and provide whatever they need to feel more comfortable.
In the New Year we’ll see another part of Tory’s legacy come to life: the first chairs funded by The Tory Day Fund will be delivered to the chemotherapy suite. These chairs, like the one in the photo, are unlike any other at Odette – they’ll provide an easier way for patients to get seated, and provide them the ability to lay flat like a first-class airline seat.
Our plan is to test a few of them, gather feedback from patients, and then order as many as we can afford with our fund, so more chemotherapy patients can be more comfortable during their treatment – like what Tory desperately wanted to do.
There’s a great definition of “joy” in Sheryl Sandberg’s brilliant book Option B, courtesy of Reverend Veronica Gaines:
“Peace is joy at rest, and joy is peace on its feet.”
While I’ve made gains to feel joy again … with Kate’s help, and with your help … I don’t feel peace just yet. Maybe that day will come, maybe it won’t. For now I feel a restlessness to see our commitment to Tory through and to ensure Kate continues on her path of post-traumatic growth.
That can wait, though. For now, Joy is knocking on the door this Christmas and it’s time to let her in. She’s probably thirsty. Cheers.
Merry Christmas and have a joyful New Year.
J.
US Thanksgiving is one of my favourite days of the year. Mostly because working in a US-based organization means that there’s less email and fewer meetings for a couple days. And over the past couple years as Black Friday has crossed over the border into Canada, I’ve also appreciated saving a few bucks doing some early Christmas shopping.
What struck me this year though is there’s a series of days dedicated to buying – Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday – and just one, Giving Tuesday, that celebrates charitable giving. Doesn’t that seem wrong?
I felt better though after reading this research from CHIMP, the organization that runs the charity platform for The Tory Day Fund:
71% of Canadians feel a personal responsibility to make the world a better place.
That’s a pretty encouraging number, especially when the rest of the world seems to be protecting its own interests.
I didn’t join the other charities with an appeal on Giving Tuesday – mostly because Team Tory already gave during our campaign that wrapped up in October. It’s now our turn to put your donations to work by giving comfort to cancer patients undergoing treatment.
And there’s great news to share already:
- The Patient Buddy Service, the program we’ve funded at Sunnybrook, is now LIVE. Three days a week, a volunteer is on hand at the Odette Cancer Centre to greet new patients and make navigating their treatment easier. Service will be expanded with more volunteers, and Sunnybrook will adjust the service as the pilot program continues.
- We had a great discussion with Sunnybrook about purchasing beds for their chemo suites, which was the original goal of The Tory Day Fund. One of the biggest obstacles to make it happen is the size of the beds would mean they’d have to reduce the number of treatments available – not good. But they mentioned a type of chair that’s like a first class airline seat, which can lay flat as the patient likes. That seems like the best option and we could have them delivered within a few months!
- We have other potential programs to fund too, including one that enables patients who are dealing with financial hardship during their treatment to tap into funds for transportation, meals, etc. It seems wrong for someone who’s fighting for their life to have to struggle to pay for lunch too. And there’s another potential program, which would see patients dropped off curbside at the cancer centre and get assistance into the centre – preventing a high number of falls that occur, especially during the winter.
I love how much of an impact we’re able to make, and how soon we’re able to make it! It also gets me thinking already about next year’s campaign, since these programs we’re launching won’t stop. If you’re looking to continue donating to The Tory Day Fund, we make it easy to make a one-time donation or sign up for monthly payments – even $10/month makes a difference!
However much you give this holiday season, thank you for doing it. And for those of you who haven’t yet started your shopping, this Christmas countdown clock was donated to Kate and me by White Wood Studios – just 21 days to go!
Have a great week!
J.